How to Listen, Really Listen

We all know when someone is really listening.  What a difference it makes to have someone’s attention.  

We actively encourage young people and others who are struggling with their feelings to reach out and talk to someone.

This will only work if the person they approach is ready to listen, and to do so with commitment.

Here are some tips on how to be a good and effective listener.

What listening is not.

Listening is not teaching, lecturing, fixing things or providing opinions.  Unless  these are requested.

Give your full attention.  

Other things on your mind can wait.  Your priority is the person you are talking to.

You cannot listen if you’re distracted by your mobile phone or other device.  Make a conscious decision to put it aside when you’re talking with a young person.  They will wholeheartedly appreciate that they are really the centre of your attention.

Use body language

Use your body language to show you’re actively listening, being careful not to overdo it and appear intrusive.   Lean in slightly, nod and smile appropriately and encourage gently. 

Don’t pretend or be half-hearted.  

They’ll see through you!

Avoid judgement

Acknowledge their feelings without judgement or suggestion.  This is their time.  Try to keep your opinions to yourself.  Young people don’t respond well when they feel criticised or that their views are being overlooked.

Avoid challenge

Challenging what they say serves only to to invalidate their feelings, closing down their opportunity to express what’s really on their mind.  Your aim is not to change the feeling or to cheer them up.  Instead, you are aiming to show that you care by giving them space and time to express themselves and the opportunity to come up with their own solutions.

Actively sustain the dialogue

Use short sounds like mmm, huh, wow, ooh, to let them know you’re listening and not interfering.  

Use empathy

Empathy is mirroring what they someone is already showing you.  You can open conversations with simple statements reflecting what you see, “You look sad or you seem quiet tonight.  This acknowledges that you are noticing while not ambushing them with questions which can result in the defence barriers coming straight up.

Empathise rather than probe.  “Tell me how you’re feeling” is not empathy.  Neither are statements like “What’s up” which can feel confrontational. or “Everything will be okay” which you cannot guarantee and seems vacuous

Remember that people learn when they hear their own words and come to their own solutions.  Hold back and allow them space to talk.  Acknowledge and accept what they say, even if you don’t agree.  What you’re trying to do is to let them express their feelings, get out what’s troubling them so that it doesn’t get buried.  

Empathising with a bad feeling helps get that feeling out.   You are acknowledging it and validating their experience.  

Position Yourself

Avoid putting them on the spot.  A lot of people are uncomfortable with direct eye contact.  They may feel more comfortable sitting side by side or diagonally rather than opposite which can be perceived as threatening.  Keep your your eye contact subtle, and respond with a gentle smile when they look at you so they know you’re still with them.

Remember that people learn when they hear their own words and come to their own solutions.  Hold back and allow them space to talk.  Acknowledge and accept what they say, even if you don’t agree.  What you’re trying to do is to let them express their feelings, get out what’s troubling them, acknowledging it so that it doesn’t get buried.  

Challenging or rebutting what they say serves only to to invalidate their feelings, closing down their opportunity to express what’s really on their mind.  Empathising with a bad feeling is the fastest way is to get that feeling out.   This not to say that that you magnify or wallow in the bad feeling.  Rather, you acknowledge it and honour their experience.  Your aim is not to change the feeling or to cheer them up.  Instead, you are aiming to show that you care by giving them space and time to express themselves and the opportunity to come up with their own solutions.

Stay in control of your own emotions

It’s important too, to keep the conversation safe for the person and you, by managing your own emotions.  Talk only when you feel ready and able to so the person again gets your full attention.